They Weren't Kidding
by WhateverMary13
Summary: Upon her death Martha Jones was filed to the other world plane filing cabinet labeled Harkness through Jones. Ianto tells her that he is convinced this is a cosmic joke . Jack/Ianto and some Martha/Tom and if you squint Tosh/Owen May become a two-shot


Title: They Weren't Lying

WARNING: SPOILERS: Torchwood: "Children of Earth" and Doctor Who: "The Sontaran Strategy" and "The Poison Sky"

Parings: Jack/Ianto, Martha/Tom (ish), Tosh/Owen (If you squint)

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Martha blinked.

Martha was sitting just outside of a tiny bistro.

The suns were shining brightly.

Martha blinked again.

"You'll get used to it," Ianto Jones assured her. He was sitting across from her.

"Being dead?" She asked.

He laughed, "Well that to I suppose, but I meant not having to blink."

She blinked at him, "I don't have to blink?"

"You're dead," he pointed out and took a sip of a cup of coffee that hadn't been in his hand when he started his statement. It was gone the second after he took a sip.

A cup appeared in Martha's hand. She blinked. She laughed bitterly, "Owen blinked."

"Owen liked to pretend he was alive when he was dead but not. I caught him pretending to masturbate in the water closet in the HUB once," Ianto deadpanned.

Owen punched Ianto in the arm. Martha blinked at him. Owen groaned, "She's a blinker?"

"Owen likes to pretend he wasn't a blinker," Ianto took another sip of coffee. Martha blinked. She hadn't noticed the reappearance of the cup.

"Are we in heaven?" Martha asked. She opened her eyes wide and tried not to blink. There was no strain on her eyes. Her eyes would never dry out. She didn't have to blink. She blinked in surprise.

"Sort-of: We're on otherworld plane Harkness through Jones," Ianto smiled faintly, "Jack really is the punch line of the universes cosmic joke."

"We're filed alphabetically?" Martha asked incredulously.

"Management has a good archivist," Ianto said, his voice tinged with admiration.

Martha panicked. She blinked rapidly at Ianto, "I never took Tom's last name. Does that mean that he'll end up on planet M while I'm here?"

Ianto smiled reassuringly, "The Archivist is a romantic. Files tend to be mislaid to keep soul mates together."

"What if we weren't soul mates?" Martha asked quietly. She blinked slowly so that she could feel her eyelashes brush the soft skin below her eye.

Ianto handed her a slice of bread. They were sitting on a park bench next to a pond. Sitting there, tossing bread to ducks, he told her about Lisa. He told her how she died. Then he told her, "We're filed alphabetically: Harkness-Jones. She just missed the cut off."

"The Archivist didn't make an exception for her?" Martha asked.

Ianto laughed bitterly as he stared out over the water, "I never asked. Besides, Management already gave me the answer: Harkness-Jones: The cosmos laughing at me."

Martha looked at him, "But they're giving you Jack."

Ianto smiled, a corner of his lip crooked upwards, "We get filed according to our final linear death. Jack will live a thousand lifetimes before that happens. He'll have hundreds of loves that the Archivist could file him with and even if he does end up here – in a trillion years or so – there's no guarantee that he'll remember me."

"Yet you'll wait anyway," Martha said as they walked across a mountain ridge.

The smile on Ianto's face had hints of sadness at the corners now, "Yup."

Martha said, "He loves you Ianto."

"Jack loves a lot of people." Ianto replied.

"Yet you'll wait."

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because he's Jack," Ianto said simply. He looked off across the ocean (they were on a beach now) a faraway look in his eyes.

Martha noted faintly if that was the way the Doctor had looked when he talked about Rose. She thought about Tom. She decided, "I hope the Archivist brings Tom here."

Ianto smiled at her, "Me too."

They were standing in a desert. Martha blinked, "Why do we keep changing locations?"

Ianto looked as if he might blink, "Sorry. It's my fault. I keep letting my thoughts bounce around. Let's go somewhere stable, shall we?"

"This is better," Martha looked around the comfortable flat.

"It's mine," Ianto stated proudly, leading her to a couch, "Took me awhile to get the color scheme situated, but it worked out in the end. Now, tell me how you died."

Martha blinked. Her mouth twitched into a frown. She had thought she managed to stop that. She told him, "I don't remember."

"What do you remember?" He prodded gently.

"Mouths," She replied without thinking. She paused. She blinked.

"What?" He questioned curiously.

"Sontarans," She shook her head, "No, that's not right."

"Take your time."

"Tom and I were on our honeymoon," She remembered, "The Children were all talking in unison, but we couldn't get back to London. Something was stopping us."

"The 456," Ianto told her how he died.

Martha wrinkled her forehead and eyebrows in concentration, "Do you remember ATMOS?"

"Revolutionary system that cancelled carbon emissions in cars and then the company who owned them suddenly went bankrupt?" Ianto asked, "Jack said that the Doctor was taking care of it and wouldn't let us investigate."

"He was taking care of it with Donna and I," Martha got to her feet and stated pacing, "The Mouths! The news stations kept zooming in on the mouths."

"Yes," Ianto frowned, "I noticed that. I wondered if the camera man had a bit of a fetish."

Martha shrugged, "That's the thing though! It happened during the ATMOS thing. The camera man started zooming in on the mouths of the anchorwoman."

Ianto's frown grew more pronounced, "So you think the two events are connected?"

"They're so similar. An alien virus was released into the Earth's atmosphere remotely. The two groups created for the sole purpose of combating alien threats were largely useless: Unit in my case and Torchwood in yours. The government went directly against orders given by the people who could help: The Doctor and Jack."

"You're right," Ianto replied slowly, "But it still all seems rather coincidental."

"One or two things would seem coincidence," Martha replied, "But there's so much more. It took a sacrifice to defeat the aliens: The Doctor sacrificed himself but then the boy, Luke, took his place. What happened with the 456? How were they defeated?"

"Stephan," Ianto said softly.

"Yes Yan-toe" The boy asked, looking up at him.

"Go back to your room okay?" Ianto told him. The little boy obeyed.

"Who was that?" Martha asked.

"Jack's grandson," Ianto explained, "He's a Harkness at heart so he ended up here. I'm kind of watching him until his mother shows up."

"That's so domestic of you," She grinned at him.

"He was the sacrifice the 456 demanded," Ianto explained, "Jack was forced to sacrifice him to save the world."

Martha frowned but continued to piece it all together, "The Doctor used a machine to light them on fire and it lit up the entire atmosphere."

"The 456 used fire to transmit themselves," Ianto told her, "Do you think the 456 were a section of the Sontaran race that were mutated after the blast sent them on a trip through the rift?"

Martha shook her head, "No, it's more than that. Did you have a reporter investigating the events that sent word to you about what was going on?"

"No, but we had civil servant named Lois who sent visuals about what was going on." Ianto replied, "Did you have a medical doctor pretend to be on your side and then try to kill you?"

"No…"Martha trailed off, "Wait. Yes, it was me. The Sontarans cloned me and then had me betray the Doctor. Did you have a Super-temp that discovered useful information?"

"That would be Lois again," Ianto nodded, "Dramatic goodbye scene where someone said goodbye and disappeared?"

"Yes, the Doctor used a transport device to go kill the Sontarans so we all had a teary goodbye," Martha realized that she probably shouldn't be enjoying piecing this all together, "Was there any mention of potato shaped aliens?"

"No, but Rhys and Gwen rode a lorry filled with potatoes on their way to London," Ianto replied, "Crazy old man?"

"If Donna's grandfather counts then yes," Martha said, "Issues with cars?"

"The SUV got stolen," Ianto answered with downcast eyes and a faint blush, "A failed rescue attempt of one party by two parties that required a fourth party to rescue them all with a non-alien device?"

"The Donna's grandfather got stuck in a car filled with gas and the Doctor and Donna couldn't get him out, but then Donna's mum rescued him with an axe." Martha told him, "Chanting? Oh, of course the children were chanting.

"All this talk about Donna's family, I'll take it there was a sudden reunion with family members. That was me in the 456 situation. I visited my sister in the middle of it," Ianto told her, "Did you have a badass woman with a gun who later turned out to be good?"

"My clone!" Martha exclaimed excitedly, "She had my memories so I convinced her to help us save the world and my family."

"This is getting weird." Ianto shook his head in exasperation.

Martha giggled suddenly, "Oh, my! You'd be Ross then in my situation. He was a UNIT soldier helping the Doctor around. Jack would have been so distracted if he got you into the UNIT cap and uniform that Ross was wearing."

"What does this all mean though?" Ianto asked, choosing to ignore her statement. He could feel his ears turning red as he remembered the red UNIT cap he had requisitioned a few months before he died. He hoped that Jack found it when he went to pick up all of the things from Ianto's flat. He hoped Jack kept it: they had fun with that hat.

Martha stopped pacing and collapsed on the couch, "I have no idea what it means."

"I'll tell you what it means," Owen called from the kitchen. He walked in eating chips, "It means that some people in Management have no imagination. Now my death, the second one: that was impressive. I bet you wish your death was as cool as mine. There are at least three Jones' here that died in that same alien virus incident as you."

"Owen," Ianto explained patiently, "It's not a competition."

Owen snorted, "You only say that because you're losing."

"Wait," Martha interrupted, "So you're saying that Management is in control of everything? What about free-will?"

"Management manipulates events," Ianto explained, "For the most part we still get to chose how we react to them."

Martha blinked, "So basically Management just recreated what happened to me with the Sontarans, but someone else put a different spin on it and they kept me trapped on my honeymoon so I couldn't tell anyone what I knew?"

"It seems that way," Owen said through a mouthful of food, "And then they decided to kill you."

"So that's how I died?" Martha blinked.

Ianto patted her on the back gently, "Sorry love."

A letter appeared on the table addressed to Ianto. He slid his finger under the heavy wax seal and opened it. His eyes widened and he looked up in shock, "It appears my death is under review."

"What does that mean?" Martha asked, but Ianto continued reading his letter in silence.

Owen shrugged. Tosh told her, "It's never happened that we know of."

Martha wondered if she would ever get used to people appearing as if they had always been there. She didn't think so. She still hadn't gotten used to not blinking. Remembering this: she blinked again. Ianto folded his letter at the crease and set it down, "It seems that someone from Management was listening to our conversation."

She frowned at him, "Go on then: tell us what that means."

"Apparently," He said, "The events with the 456 were the product of an unauthorized action by one of the lower ranking Managers. Therefore, the managers are reviewing whether or not we should be brought back to life."

"This is unprecedented," Tosh said.

Ianto nodded and picked up the letter again, "Yes. It is."

"Do you want to go back?" Tosh asked.

Ianto shrugged, "Jack needs me."

Owen scoffed, "I've heard that before."

"Martha would you return?" Ianto asked.

Martha blinked, "I could convince Tom to take my last name."

Ianto looked at her sadly, "If we go back then it's likely we will not remember being here."

Another letter appeared. Martha read it silently. She then said, "They've decided to revert time back to before first contact with the 456. We will lose all memory of our time spent here, but we must retain our memories of the original events in order to maintain the new events."

Ianto stood up. They were in a white room. Owen and Tosh were gone. Ianto shouted angrily at the white wall across from him, "You don't get to just send us back! I demand compensation!"

There was silence. Martha held Stephan on her lap and patted his head as Ianto raged. He screamed and beat his fists against the white wall until it was smeared with his blood. Martha blinked. She blinked again. She blinked again and again and again. She didn't understand what she was watching. It was terrifying and it was beautiful. It was the darkness and the sun raging together. It was love.

"Please," Ianto begged, "Please."

"What is it that you desire?" A voice asked.

"Let me stay with him," Ianto's voice was soft and it broke Martha's heart.

"You're request is being considered," The cool voice replied.

Ianto released a broken cry and collapsed against the wall. He kept muttering, "Please. Please. He needs me. He needs someone to stay with him."

"You're request is being processed," The cold firm voice sounded warmer: "It has been termed acceptable. You will be granted life until he is filed."

"Thank you."

Martha blinked. She had never before heard the words said that way. She was glad that she wouldn't remember any of this. It was too much. She had seen too much and heard too much.

Martha blinked.

Stephan blinked.

Ianto blinked.

The whiteness overtook them.

They all fell asleep and woke up alive.

One of them woke up alive for a very long time.

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A/N: This started out as a parody about how the Doctor Who episodes The Sontaran Strategy and Poison Sky have a ridiculous amount of things in common. It kind of turned into a slightly angst ridden quasi-artistic piece so I hope that the two ended up blending together and that it's not just a Parody sandwich with angst bread.


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